you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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