i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We have started to decorate penises.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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