In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
