take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
