i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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