I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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