I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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