so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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