That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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