Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize