I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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