I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
