fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
