I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
