I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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