so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
