Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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