Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
it glows. i had to have it.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
