at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You know, be my cock's hype man.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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