Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
