let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
