i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
