I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
