Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
time to smoke my breakfast
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
