youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
