hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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