I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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