she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
