I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
