i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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