It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
