well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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