It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
