why didn't you poke me back
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
