I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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