I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
