fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
