I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
