Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
