If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
