you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
