We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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