I CAN MOONWALK!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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