Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
