I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
