1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
