I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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