I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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