I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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