you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
