You work out of a Hotel?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
