You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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