My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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