my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
